May 14, 2010

Selected Works, Selected Jerks Podcast Issues Formal Apology To The People Of The Netherlands And Descendants Thereof

Den Haag, The Netherlands: On the first stop of a goodwill tour of The Netherlands, members of the podcasting team responsible for the production and release of the program Selected Works, Selected Jerks today issued a formal apology for comments that were seen as derogatory toward members of the Dutch community and their associates.

In episode number 3 of the wildly popular entertainment extravaganza, entitled “That *&@%#! Sandwich” (release date May 10, 2010), during a discussion on the relative merits of the song “Little Green Bag” by Dutch music group The George Baker Selection, the cast exhibited a clear sense of shock that such a fine production could come from The Netherlands. In one particular case, an offhand comment was made which could be construed as a general slighting of Dutch people and their ability to do anything well at all.

“It has come to our attention that comments were made that inadvertently painted the Dutch community in a negative light, and that feelings may have been hurt,” said Kelly, the podcast’s official ambassador. “It is important to us for the fine people of this land to know that no ill will was intended, and that we have planned a series of gestures that we hope will serve not only to repair the damage done, but to strengthen the bond that holds us all together. Besides, it was mostly Shane.”

Cast member Scott followed by producing a scroll and reading to the gathered audience of six homeless people and one uncomfortably enthusiastic gentleman in a suit. Scott announced, “Seeing that the Dutch are clearly a very kind, honorable, unusually sensitive and remarkably forgiving people, the cast of Selected Works, Selected Jerks hereby swears to do the following as means of reparation for perceived insult and injury resulting from the comments [of episode 3].” Noting that the specifics of execution were to be determined at a later date, he listed the following points of procedure:

• Selected Works, Selected Jerks will have their offices repainted entirely with Dutch Boy products, offering preferential consideration for the labor to any Dutch immigrants in the Home Depot parking lot.
• Selected Works, Selected Jerks will host a screening of the film “Dutch,” featuring Ed O’Neill, star of the hit television show “Married With Children,” who is probably from The Netherlands.
• Selected Works, Selected Jerks will make a donation to the United Negro College Fund.
• Selected Works, Selected Jerks will refrain from relating any stories supporting the ideas that the Dutch are snooty, socially incompetent, mostly ugly and generally just really odd people, even though they totally have stories that would blow your mind.

Cast member Shane then took the podium, announcing, “The inappropriate nature of our comments was brought to my attention by a Dutch sympathizer by the name of Rommie, who went out of his way to mention what he believed to be a few worthwhile musical acts from The Netherlands. I took his advice to explore the myriad positive things that have come from this glorious nation, and would like to take a moment to acknowledge - rather, to celebrate - the following artists: The Outsiders, Ozomatli, The Motions, Q65, Yngwie Malmsteen, Bruce Springsteen, Les Baroques, Les Fixeds, Rob Hoeke, The Scorpions, Groep 1850, Buena Vista Social Club, Zipps, Shocking Blue, The English Beat, Focus, Wayne Newton, ABBA, The Clogs, Liquid Plumr, Hanoi Rocks, and Shonen Knife. We stand humbled.”

The group is currently en route by limousine to Rotterdam Den Haag Airport, the second stop on their goodwill tour of The Netherlands.